Are you tired of getting qualified applicants for your job openings? Do you long for the days when your inbox was flooded with irrelevant resumes? Fear not! Follow this guide to write a job description so overly detailed and convoluted that even the most determined candidates will throw in the towel.

Start with an introduction that rivals the length of a dissertation. Delve into the history of your company, the origin of the role, and your great-grandfather’s favorite breakfast choices. Be sure to leverage a labyrinth of arduous vernacularisms as conceivable, ensuring that candidates need a thesaurus just to understand what they’re applying for. Are you even trying if your introduction does not show off how passionate you are about being condescending (meaning “to talk down to people”)? After all, you are always the smartest person in the room. After this, list an absurd number of requirements, regardless of their relevance to the actual job.

Here’s a lovely format with examples to follow when creating a dreadful job description.

  • Life-long List of Responsibilities
    • Develop and maintain robust and scalable back-end systems using Python, ensuring adherence to coding standards, architectural principles, and best practices in software engineering, utilising frameworks such as Django or Flask
    • Design and implement complex database structures and optimise data models for efficient storage and retrieval, leveraging technologies like PostgreSQL or MongoDB while ensuring data integrity and security.
    • Collaborate with cross-functional teams, including front-end developers, product managers, and designers, to define and implement RESTful APIs, enabling seamless communication between the front-end and back-end systems.
    • Integrate third-party services and APIs, such as payment gateways, social media platforms, or cloud services, to extend the functionality of the back-end system and enhance the overall user experience.
    • Develop and optimise algorithms and data processing pipelines to handle large-scale data sets efficiently, leveraging technologies like Pandas or NumPy for data manipulation and analysis.
    • Implement automated testing frameworks and write unit tests to ensure the back-end codebase’s reliability, performance, and maintainability.
    • Monitor and optimise system performance, including response times, resource utilisation, and scalability, using tools like New Relic or Prometheus, and proactively identify and resolve bottlenecks or performance issues.
    • Collaborate with DevOns teams to ensure smooth deplovment and continuous integration processes
    • Conduct thorough code reviews and provide constructive feedback to peers
  • Overdemanding Requirement List
    • 5 years’ experience for an entry level position
    • 10 years’ experience for an IT Manager
  • Basic Needs Shown as Benefits
    • Vending machine on site for quick snacks and/or refreshments
    • Opportunity to work with a team of professionals
    • Competitive Salary
  • Overly Creative Job Titles
    • Dean of Copywriters
    • Marketing Ninja
  • Allthewordswrittentogether looking – Provide backend engineering support for payment technologies and enterprise web application. Analyze, design, develop, implement, document and maintain application systems to support our payment technologies, focusing on backend applications. Gather, analyze and translate business and non-functional requirement in a solution design. Lead meeting to define business requirements and technical solutions. Execute tasks, estimate resources, establish timeline and prioritize work. Design, develop to specifications and maintain application code in accordance with the current development and project management methodologies and best practices…(you get the point)
  • Vague Job Duties
    • Provide support to end user
    • Other tasks as assigned.

If you follow these steps diligently, you’re sure to deter any sensible candidate from applying. Crafting a disastrous, overly detailed job description is an art – an art you probably shouldn’t master if you want to attract the perfect candidates. Happy hiring (or not)! All jokes aside, if you truly struggle creating attractive and relevant job listings then have no fear. It’s part of our process here at MSP HIRE. Stay tuned for the next article where we will provide an example of the perfect Job Listing